blah…worked 13 hours yesterday, then thought I could fall asleep. No such luck – was up until midnight, then back up again from 2-4 am. I hate this worry about my Gram, the not knowing what’s going on.
I keep telling myself that I’m doing what she asked me to do – to not come watch her die, not to be there when she passes, please give her that final dignity. I know we’ve spent hours upon hours upon countless hours on the phone over the years, talking and laughing and teasing and delving into serious things (a particular triumph? getting her to discuss politics and theology with me, something she’d sworn never to do with any of us, and finding surprising common ground.) We’ve talked about things we’re proud of, and things we’re happy with, things we’d give anything to do over and things that nothing could make us take back or undo.
We’ve wept together and laughed hysterically together and on the rare moments when we could see each other in real life, we’ve stayed up until 2 and 3 in the morning talking about anything and everything.
My only regret is that there’s never enough time to be with someone you love…all the time in the world isn’t enough to make me ok with letting her go.
She has known me better than anyone else in my extended family – parents included – and I cherish her whispered words of love and pride.
And so while I know I’m honoring her wish…my wish is that I could be there.
The Lord bless you, and keep you;
The Lord make His face shine on you,
And be gracious to you;
The Lord lift up His countenance upon you,
And give you peace.
